So let’s clear the air on the problem of the week for me. Haley, are you hot or are you not? I feel like I need the hot or not app for this( little weekly plug to make money….I’m not making any money I can’t fool you smart peoples) I feel like she is your 2nd cousin she’s hot but is she? Is it worth banging her and eventually having the whole family of 4 generations past find out and give you them crazy eyes? Like it’s a set up you can’t win here…just for the record I don’t know who my second cousin is and if I did I probably wouldn’t marry her…..maybe. Can never total shut the door on things always a slight chances.
Let’s recap where we left off from last weeks cliff hanger…yeah still pissed about that fuck you MTV, the exes (ex’s) still haven’t figured it out are here. The only one happy is… everyone. Except Jamie cuz she fucking hates her ex. But seriously how is everyone happy to see their ex? I’d probably stand there with look I have on my face 90% of the time( and it’s the I’m so confused looked, probably should close my mouth so people don’t think in retarded…nope I’m just going to stand here in silence and not say anything till everyone leaves me alone look).
Toms girlfriend took his virginty in high school, how cute…ohh wait Tom welcome to the 21st century that’s how 85.5% of us do. Okay that number probably is really high but I’m already two lines down the page and can’t change it now. But seriously dude you are no different then most decently good dressed looking dude banging it out with their first love in high school. But news flash son that shit never last…trust me and all the other half bros in America. Like I’m just super angry writing today and I feel like I’m shitting on my boy Tom. Or I’m just taking my past out on him fuck it doe I gotta take it out on someone.
“Omg omg omg omg”. Shut the fuck up Jenny I don’t give any finna’s, you can say Ohhh-Meh-Gee (that’s how the kids use it now I think, fuck you guys I’m trying to fit in). But it doesn’t make up for you being a sloot and banging everything that breaths and has a snake trouser.
And holy shit first the subway plugs now the fucking fedora Arielle is wearing, every week some has a god damn fedora on. You watch mark my motha fuggin word I’ll be wearing one in the summa time now cuz shit rubs off on me so easily and all my bros will be like gay. And then I’ll just have to come out and be gay….ahhahahahah not a chance…ever.
Pour up (drank), head shot (drank),
Sit down (drank), stand up (drank),
Pass out (drank), wake up (drank)
Faded (drank), faded (drank).
Live by that right there kids, actually don’t I don’t even live by that motto. After like stand up I’d be like, “I’m good kendrick in going to sit down again and pass out.” Just lkke skip to pass out so kendrick leaves me one. I dont know why I just did this like I seem to get distracted and just write what I hear sometimes. Terrible multitasker.
Everyone is laughing I don’t get this, stop laughing and fight with you ex! Be mean I didn’t pay to watch you clowns all live happily ever after I want tears from the chicks and shiners passed out by Brian and Cory.
Jenna says to jay he gets to look at her for 6 weeks…and so do we jay so you’re shit out of luck. Every bro watching real world…so me and Dan Katz and every gay guy in the U.S. get to eyeball your girl…so now it windled down to me and Dan and Dan likes Haley…chump so just me. Watch out Jay up to 7 pull ups at the gym. And 6 protein shakes a day.
Uhh Jake Bugg is playing now like he’s got this one song I’ve hear a million times and it’s actually pretty good. Little blues southern rock thing going for it but I feel like every other song by him must suck. But girls go crazy over him so it’s cool I guess. Same thing for me when I stand there with my confused look.
Lauren Cory’s ex just did like 8 double chins fucking gross you are on the television set across the country every girls doing her hair and half watching to judge you while they get ready for high school tomorrow are judging you harder than that 2×4 slab that hit you in the face when you were born. Boom that was harsh.
I can’t keep up with everything, it moves way to fast. Now Macklemore is playing he would hate me and my blog with my harsh stance on politics and religion…ohh and the whole being gay thing.
Tom dated this chick in jr year and they still talk. Not okay. Unless you’re still dating…which they’re not…fuck. Tom you are really ticking me off lately. Cut the umbilical cord brother. This show will get you any chick you want from c-list celebrities down.
Arielle’s collar bone is disgustingly gross. Like ja feel I’m skinny but holy cow can you just drink a gallon of milk a day for a few weeks and put 10lbs on. What’s that Arielle? You can’t ohh that’s right you’re a model and can’t…still confused in how she became a model. And why is it Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? That bro doesn’t do anything but yell “whoaa” in the mic and press dj buttons….sounds like a total job for me. Be like yeah I’m a artist jk I play with programs in the puker and let Macklemore spit sick rhymes to them.
Cameron is British, that’s Jamie’s ex fuck everything he’s ever done get back with him and free Tom!!! He is basically Russell Brand but skinnier and probably ten times less of a total faggot. I got beef with Russell, and how the fuck did he get Katy Perry? That’s like how has any girl ever looked at me and said he’s cute. Count it zero. (Some times I say stuff like that but it’s not true, there’s this dope as barista chick that loves me at Starbucks…did I mention she 3bills large?)
Brian and Cory gonna fight money’s on Cory cuz I hate Brains hair. But in reality Cory is all fake spray tan and bench press so Brian would actually rip him to sheds.
Tom is redder than my ball sack after I get kicked in the dick by life. Can’t handle two girls at once get out the real world Tom this is your life now!
Jesus Arielle and her ex just basically dry humping and kissing on the floor. Get a room or give me a syenite capsule so I can end torture you’re putting me through.
Brian possessive and aggressive? A juice head! Jenny might be the definition of a dumb fuckin blonde.
And holy shit have I ever mentioned how big of a slut Jenny is. Yeah that’s right I have but it’s called Marxism or some shit where you give the dog a treat enough at the same time and it’s just drilled in their brain that Jenny is a slut or they need a cookie or some shit.
Jenny and Cory smoking cigarillos…what are you black? Ohh you are Cory sorry forget I mentioned anything carry on. Jenny go fuck yourself.
Toms so good at pool guys the total package. And he’s the mediator between Brian and Cory. Look look I’m Tom just being perfect and soft like my baby butt.
Brian is box jumping the window ledge holy shit cool bro? What a cock. You can box jump house hold items. Just to prove I can be on the real world I’ve been box jumping my bed in my boxers for the past 10min.
Lauren wants to connect with Cory so they take a shower together these are the craziest exes ever. And shit Jenny is getting emotional now. They’re just friends happy for each other though, your word Jenny man up. Seriously you are built like a man and would probably destroy me so man up.
Tom is asking why Jamie doesn’t want her ex to come? Maybe because she’s normal and cut ties like most normal people. Tom you fuckin idiot flip the script she doesn’t have feelings for him you have feeling for your girlfriend from when you were 17 still. Jesus Christ you can’t be friends with your ex, cuz then this shit happens bigcat lesson 157. Cut ties with all exes right away. Then the only way you connect back with them is if +3 years go by of no contact and your like “shit girl you fine still” and she like “damn shorty you looking sexy” and you take her on a date and pretend you’ve changed an matured…but we know you haven’t jokes on them you’re still the self righteous prick from 3 years ago! Never fails trust me…never failed cuz I’ve never done that. And probably won’t cuz I’m mature as shit.
Jamie testing tom again what is this high school. Fuck sake you test me I’ll fight you. That’s how I passed school and got my GED, just fucking fight the night school teacher who’s a pencil pushing bitch by day when he hands you the multiplication table quiz. 6×6 tough 48 look in fine.
God how do people run and have a conversation so weird. And Jenny you can’t get any less fat by walking on a treadmill run you fat fuck. I’m angry tonight and I’m not going to apologize for it. These people bring my stress level from like a 2 to a 7 on Wednesday nights.
Tom, Jamie and Haley can’t be friends. ex and current gf friends? Are you fucking high? Never has happened in like 175 years the earth existing. There’s your fucking math bitches.
Sweet denim plaid shirt shirt Cory….jk bro you look like a rapist cowboy black guy (note he is black so that’s always a factor can’t change that).
Everyone has great facial hair. I wish I could grow a mustache. But then I look like Jeff Dohmer if you throw a pair of glasses from the 80’s on me. Not a bad look or anything Jeff, okay yeah it is but incase he’s still alive like all those conspiracy theories I gotta cover my tracks.
Tom needs a hair cut, Brian needs less hair gel, jay needs to get his hair cut at an even length, Cory needs to not have nappy black hair. I basically have great hair, and they need my hair. Except Tom do you Tom.
I’m going to be completely honest I’m only half way through the episode and I’m just not feeling the writing anymore
Missed a good ten min box jumping on my bed so sorry guys that’s on me. Just watch the fuckin show so I don’t have to fill you in every week and have you criticize me on my piss poor grammar and shit.
Oh look jay is checking Tom out, gay.
Jamie your not fat. 😉 that’s my sexy wink your normal tell every girl that and you’ll be dating chicks for life.
Jay can get any girls number but he can’t cuz his girl is here now…rough shit man…correct me if I’m wrong, which I’m not but that’s what a relationship is called in pretty sure.
Haley they asked when you last hooked up with Tom not when he kissed you before he left. What are you fuckin 12 don’t be a prude answer them….thanks Tom it’s been 2months that’s how you answer a question, Haley. Big mistake Lauren MTV crew catches all, they are going to play you and Haley talkin shit you bimbo! Don’t ever think the crew isn’t listening. That’s like the first rule of reality tv.
I can’t handle this Tom is feeding Haley cheese in bed. Then she says fuck you basically after a little cheese and Tom takes the hint…finally. How weird is it to be dating a chick and you’re in the other room sitting on your ex bed feeding her craft singles and talking about how great the cheese is? Must not be weird at all cuz tom was in heaven. Personally I would of been a little classier and not used kraft singles but hey whatever works.
7girls on their periods synced? Is that even possible. Fuck that I can’t handle one girl on a period alone. Run for the hills boys. Just kidding no worries it’s impossible to sync 7 periods at once…or is it? Wouldn’t know never been with 7 girls at once. Only 6 sorry guys can’t give a 100 confident answer here.
Tom used to have short hair. That’s good news. He is cool in my book again, just like that. Tom is back and fourth with me lately but it’s never serious so no worries.
Haley is a sneaky bitch she has a plan set up you can smell it. She’s like that chick from sex and the city. Gonna fuck Tom over so hard (I’ve never watched that show…)
Jenny says she wouldn’t want any other guy but Brian to raise her children. Bull shit, ever heard of Clint Eastwood? First guy besides myself if choose to raise my kids. What happened to him though seriously, old and wrinkly now? I thought movie stars had money to fix that shit. Stay golden pony boy.
God Brian and Cory are both better looking and better built than one another is that even possible. I bench more then them….just kidding I hit that young plate though sukkas.
Foreal doe I hit the gym 4-5 times a week now and think I’m getting big and in reality I’m still a fucking pussy ass twig compared to these guys tv stars just lower my confidence. Then I see Tom and he makes everything better. And Sam Matranga, kid always brightens my day. Basically the one who saves me every time I’m in the dumps.
What ever park they’re at I want to go there. Let me draw you a picture up here, there’s green grass, picnics and drinking fountains. So wild!
Tom is like muffin…soft…but sometimes they get crusty if you leave then out but stay soft on the outside. Basically Tom has a great shell to cover his inner softness. The reason I know this is because that’s what I used to describe myself. I’m a goddam whole grain blueberry muffin.
Jenny and Brian are growing up now. Wow you’re only 25 about time you meat sticks.
Cory’s ex is so ugly and bad I dont know how that happens. Ohh I know because they’ve been on and off since Cory was a twig 7th grader and just like everyone else Cory can move on.
What the fuck there is no episode next week? Boycot this show. Just kidding I’ve been in such a need of a break like I stress about this blog all week. New material for 13 episodes is tough. I’ll probably just repost these for the next 6 weeks and hopefully no one catches on and write a final 13 episode one.
Holy cow Michael Phelps was just on my tely. Scary looking mother fucker.
Tom is a pussy fuck everything I ever said about him. Just break up with Jamie and go back to Haley you’re being a puss.
I’m done with this I can’t think of anything good and just waisted another hour of my life fucking Christ.
Bigcat signing out of a subpar blog this week.
Ps I got two weeks to think of mean funny things to say so get ready. I’ll make up for this weeks. Gotta put pants on and go to class…or do I? Can I just stroll into class with my lucky brand boxers and north face with my snow boots? Let me know.
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